Family, Partner and Caregiver Issues

Trouble is a part of life, and if you don’t share it, you won’t give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough.
— Dinah Shore

When talking about breast cancer, attention is usually focused on the needs of the patient. From the time of diagnosis, through treatment and beyond, these needs change. The same is true for the people who love and care for the breast cancer patient. While the breast cancer patient is the one who deals most directly with the disease, it is important to remember that a diagnosis of breast cancer has a powerful impact on everyone who loves and cares for the patient. It has the potential to change the dynamics of many relationships. Sometimes these changes are for the better, sometimes not.

If your loved one is facing breast cancer, it is important that she know you are there for her whenever she needs you, and that she is not alone in the fight. It is helpful for you to recognize and try to understand what she may be feeling. It is just as important for you to keep the lines of communication open. Be supportive, and ask her what she needs from you. Each person and every family is different in how they deal with difficult times. Quite often, these challenges bring the family (and friends) closer together.

How can I provide emotional support?Spend time together, and offer flexibility and attentiveness. There does not need to be a reason to get together, or a list of tasks to accomplish. Watching television or a movie together can be very satisfying.

• Provide emotional space for the woman with breast cancer to work through her feelings at her own pace, and in her own way. Everyone copes differently.
• Practice good listening. Ask directly, and be prepared to hear, what she wants and needs. It is also important to find out what she does not want.
• Roll with the punches. Avoid taking things personally. Mood swings, and rapidly changing approaches to the illness, daily tasks, or friends and family, are not unusual.
• Try not to “fix” every problem. There are no easy answers to a cancer diagnosis, and sometimes people need to just know that they are being listened to.
• Be reassuring and open about offering continued support.
• Plan visits ahead of time and be on time. If you can’t make an appointment, call immediately.
• Do what you can, and avoid promising too much. If you are unable to do what you have promised, don’t let guilt get in the way of offering support or helping out in other ways. A common mistake is not getting back in touch because of personal embarrassment. An unexplained absence is worse than calling to offer different help. Give yourself a break. Everyone is trying their best, and learning as they go. Caregivers are no exception.

While it is important for you to be supportive of your friend or loved one, remember that you also have needs which require attention. In order to be a good caregiver, you need to take good care of yourself (physically, emotionally and spiritually). It is very easy to become so overwhelmed by the situation that you find yourself operating on “auto-pilot.” You may not even recognize that you are approaching burnout. When you reach this point, it may become difficult to be a supportive caregiver for your loved one.

How can caregivers take care of themselves?

• Try to find someone to talk with about your own feelings. Sometimes there are support groups in your area specifically for family members, friends or partners.
• Talk to other caregivers. They can offer support and information about how they handle being the caregiver in their family.
• Do not suppress your emotions. It is okay to cry when you need to. Acknowledge your own fears and feelings as a normal response, not a weakness, and find ways to deal with them.
• Take some time to relax or exercise or spend time with your friends.
• Take time to recharge your batteries. Continue to do whatever brings you peace, comfort and happiness as you go through the process of caring for your friend or loved one. And remember to leave the guilt behind.
• Don’t try to handle everything yourself. When someone offers to help, let them lighten your load.
• Keep your sense of humor. It can help reduce tension and uplift everyone, especially in difficult times, even if only for a few moments.
• Take advantage of resources available. Whether you are an immediate family member or a relative, friend or co-worker of the breast cancer patient or survivor, your life will be affected and changed by your experience in dealing with and caring for her or him. There are many resources you can turn to for help. Sometimes the help will come naturally from within the relationships you have. Sometimes it will come from strangers who are traveling on similar paths. Other times, you may need to turn to professionals to help you cope with your own feelings and emotions.
• We hope the resources we provide help you through the challenge of knowing and caring for a friend or loved one who has breast cancer.
• Recognize The Signs Of Burnout
  -Irritability. You snap at people for small things; you lose patience easily.
  -Withdrawal. You don’t stay in touch with friends or participate in previously enjoyed activities.
  -Fatigue. You are constantly tired and exhausted.
  -Insomnia. You have a hard time getting to sleep, staying asleep, or sleep restlessly.
  -Apathy. You feel numb and must force yourself to do routine caregiver tasks.
  -Appetite Changes. You eat more than you used to or don’t feel like eating anything.
  -Increased Substance Use. The only relief you can get is from alcohol, drugs or smoking.
  -Feelings of Guilt. You think you are not doing enough or you feel resentment for the amount of work you are doing.